jammin'.

I didn't anticipate the past few days to be so unbelievably relaxed and easygoing. I've been getting my work done yet enjoying myself thoroughly. Mike and I have been seeing each other more or less every day and it's been interesting, to say the least. I also heard from Nick again the other day, but I politely rejected his offer to play beer pong and I think he got the point that I didn't want to see him again. Ever.

I've been reflecting on what/how I've been going about my business the past couple of days, and it's really hit me that for now, being single definitely beats a relationship. I can't speak for everyone when I say this but, it's so liberating to be able to wake up, start your day as you please, and pretty much plan out what you'd like to do based on you. I know it sounds selfish, but after 7 years of making plans around him, it's nice to have time to indulge myself in the things I do or don't want to do.

On Monday afternoon I woke up and decided to take my camera to the beach. I found a good spot on the rocks and took some amazing photographs of a surfing competition that luckily was taking place not too far from shore. I had nothing else to do that day, and I stayed as long as I wanted and took in the cool, salty ocean air. When I wasn't shooting away, I was certainly enjoying that particular spot as a great place to think and reflect.

I'll admit I think about X more often than before. Perhaps it has really just only settled in that we're better apart, and that this breakup is for good (at least, for the near future). Either way, I'm hoping that he too is beginning to realize the positive side of going our separate ways. I know he's still hurting; I have a feeling a small part of him always will. But I hope in the end that he will be truly happy, whether it be alone or with someone else who will give him the love I know he deserves.

big mistake.

So.. I've decided to cross Nick's name out of my little black book. We met up for drinks this evening, started off completely sober, and many things about him came to surface that I don't exactly find particularly attractive in a guy.

For one thing, at 23, he plays way too many videogames. He also has a competitive streak when it comes to everything that borders on sheer immaturity. He was nice when he needed to be, but unnecessarily mean sometimes too. In fact, he reminded me of young boys back in elementary that would tease the girls they like, because that's how they show affection. He also kept looking at my chest way too much.

Nick is certainly a sweet piece of eye candy, but this "date" has made Mike seem like God's gift to women. The total package. More or less everything I look for in a guy.

I think I'm going to call him tomorrow.

jackpot.

Last night I went out to the local university watering hole with my old guy roommates and my girl friend Anna. Our huge reunion had been long overdue, as X didn't really like my roommates and he wasn't too comfortable with my hanging out with single-and-looking-for-some-fun Anna.

Anyway, so there was this drop dead gorgeous guy with my roommates. I guess they all know each other through surfing(?), or something along those lines. He was tall, at least 6'3" with light green eyes, dirty blonde hair and a smile that could light up a room. Since I'm kind of tall for a girl, above average height on men catches my attention right off the bat. But above average height and good looks? It was impossible not to stare.

Anna also knew him through school, even though he just recently transferred somewhere else. Everyone introduced him to me as Nick. We exchanged a few polite words as anyone would, but then that was about it. He was certainly quite the catch, but I didn't think much else of our meeting as he didn't seem interested. I didn't care - although grimy, that place was a gold mine for cute boys.

Later that night, Anna pulled me aside.

A: Ohmygod. Nick is totally into you it's not even funny.
M: What?! You're kidding. He's uber cute but he doesn't seem the least bit interested.
A: He's just intimidated by you. Trust me! 


Indeed, after a few drinks, Nick did wander over to our side of the table to talk to me and Anna. She slyly left us "to go to the bathroom", making it so obvious that she wanted to leave us alone. I'd have to thank her though, because he later got my number and said we should hang at the beach sometime.

I've never been more excited to get my tan on.

what a night.

So, Mike came over earlier tonight to console me after the breakup. I didn't need much consoling, to be honest. I had emotionally moved on long before we actually ended it. I think Mike might have known this, but he pretended he didn't so he could have an excuse to visit.

We sat around for a little while, watched a movie on TV, talked and laughed and caught up on old news that we never filled each other in on. The attraction between us had obviously grown from something on a purely physical level to include an emotional/mental one as well. It was so surreal that I was both getting along with and attracted to someone this much. It was almost entirely different from the kind of relationship I had with X.

It was getting late, and I knew he eventually had to leave. I wasn't sure how much more I could be around him without possibly doing something I might regret. Despite having had a boyfriend, it had been months since I was last intimate with a man, and this man in particular was way too hard to resist. It was like waving a juicy steak in front of someone who had been starved for years.

As I got up to lead him to the door, Mike (gently) grabbed my wrist and playfully wrestled me to the couch. He had me cornered. His face was so close I could almost touch him with my eyelashes. I could feel his warm arms around my back and shoulders. He looked at me intensely for a few seconds with those big, hazel eyes and planted a small, soft kiss on my lips. It was definitely like a scene from a movie.

I held my breath - it had been so long since I had felt this way with someone, anyone. I wanted so badly to kiss back, but I knew I should wait. It was too soon, way too soon. Instead, I savored it. Closed my eyes and played it back over and over again, even though it was already over. He looked apologetic, and began to draw back.

His only words: "Can you blame me?"

I couldn't. I wanted it just as badly.

Since he left I've been so flustered. I feel like I'm in high school again, fretting over a silly crush. All the while I keep thinking about what X must be doing/feeling. The realization that I had actually already moved on washed over me. I embraced it.

At this very moment I know I'm going to be okay. I never realized being single could be so much fun.

let me introduce mike.

I'll have to be honest here, I'm no saint. There is somewhat of a third party involved.

Mike was a guy I met in class a few years ago. Right off the bat, as he meandered his way into that near-full auditorium, I was attracted to him like crazy. For several days it went on like this - him arriving late, me watching him as he found his seat among the sea of students. I eyed him often, but he never seemed to pay attention to anything other than the professor's dull lecture. Not that I was trying to get anywhere with him or anything.

One day we actually made eye contact. You know, that fleeting moment when two people look at each other an extra second longer than what is "harmless", and you get that fluttering feeling in your stomach. It was exactly like that. Needless to say, we never actually spoke for the longest time. We'd just smile briefly at each other from across the room.

Long story short, we ran into each other on campus and he walked up to me. He basically talked about class, how I did on the midterm, where I was from, and how I ended up where I am now. Nowhere in that conversation did he ask whether or not I had a boyfriend.

He tried to add me on Facebook a few days later, but I knew what that would mean. I would be getting hell from X for even speaking to someone of the opposite sex without his supervision. I had to reject it.

A year (or two?) went by and I never saw him again. I suppose it was for the best. In any case, my relationship with X went through a little bit of a hiccup approximately two years ago, and I was "somewhat" single for about a month. In this period of time, I had run into Mike again, he forgave me for rejecting him on Facebook twice, and we totally hit it off.

No one could deny the chemistry and lust that oozed between us. We were like magnets that were impossible to keep apart. I did things I never thought I would do, he introduced me to a side of passion I never thought existed. All this aside, it was shortlived, as I decided that I would give X another shot. I had a small feeling that I was making a mistake leaving Mike behind, but I also knew I had far too much to lose if I let my relationship falter with X without at least trying one more time.

It's funny how history repeats itself. And it's funny how Mike has somehow meandered his way back into my life. Details to follow next time, cause he just rang my doorbell.

filling you in.

Before I even get started, it'd probably be best to fill you in a little bit on the background of the relationship I just got out of. So here are some key points to keep in mind as you go along reading later on.

1) You might have already caught it in the first post, but we were together for 7 years. YES, seven years. It had reached the point where I was thinking, shit, I've either got to marry this guy, or end it now. Obviously, I went with the latter.

2) He was my first everything. Yes, virginity and the whole nine yards. He was my first "real" relationship; first physical one, first truly emotional one, and the first person I ever loved. I, on the other hand, was not his first at all. But, all of that aside I couldn't have asked for a better boyfriend during those 7 years. He treated me right. Kind of.

3) He was very controlling. Awesome as he was, he was always very insecure (that's how I like to see it). Apparently I'm an attractive girl, and he was always scared, no, paranoid, that one day any guy could come along and sweep me off my feet. So, he did what he could to prevent this. He knew my passwords (Facebook, email, you name it), had full control of my phone bills, and wanted to know what I was doing every second of every day.

4) We lived together for 4 years. 'Nuff said.

5) I lost friends for him, and made no new ones. Especially not boys. I have a very male-oriented personality: I watch football/basketball, I play sports, I love videogames, etc., so naturally I get along fantastic with other guys. But no, this was not allowed.

6) Our relationship was a companionate one. Yes, we had sex, but there was never really a "spark" that ignited a passionate relationship. We became best friends, did everything together, shared secrets that no one else would ever know, and were probably otherwise inseparable. It was all nice for awhile, but really.. where's a relationship going when there's no passion?

7) We were so close, that we had no lives outside of each other. Fully dependent, in all sense of the word. It wasn't until the end that I started to pull away and try to establish a life outside of him, so that if one day our world came crumbling down, I would stumble but be able to hold myself up.

8) We had stopped sleeping together (both interpretations of the word) about 5 months ago.

I think I've covered pretty much everything. If I think of anything else along the way, I'll be sure to add it to this post. By the way, from now on I will refer to my then boyfriend as X.

Now the fun stuff begins.

and then there was one.

We've all been through it - bad breakups that result in heartache and pain. Some are bearable, some are, y'know, really bad. For me, this one wasn't as devastating as it was for him - not even close. Still, after 7 years of being in a committed relationship, being single is all of a sudden a whole new ball park for me.

Sure, it makes me sad that I had to end it (I just needed to go my own separate way), but I look at this as an amazing learning experience for me. At 23, I think I've got a whole lot more life to live. I've got to see what else is out there.

Hence, the blog about my escapades back into the dating world. Back into being independent, of going wherever and whenever I please, and having as much fun as I dare. All names will be changed for the sake of anonymity, but otherwise, I vow that everything I write is real and honest, however blunt.